This is the first school year in five years that I haven’t had a full-time teaching job. But now that I find myself in this new stage of life – this sort of nebulous, semi-job of artist/blogger/church-member/substitute-teacher – I’m at this weird place where I’m trying to figure myself out. I’m trying to justify my time. What is it I’m doing and is that really worth it? There’s this nagging sense that the world is telling me to be more, try harder, make more money, look a certain way. And I buy into the lie that I need to be worthy of my own existence.
I fill my days with painting pictures for the shop, cooking and cleaning, making calls and running errands, exercising, helping with church, networking. But I also do my fair share of sleeping in, vegging on social media, sitting and staring aimlessly into space. And I feel less than because I don’t have kids that keep me busy and give me a legitimate reason to stay at home all day. I’m torn between loving the freedom to plan my own schedule and do work that I choose to do, and having this listless sense of watching life pass me by and feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing (it’s the curse of the classic over-achiever, I guess). I get caught up in the trap of comparing myself to others and feeling like my worth is tied up in what I can do. How do those other women accomplish what they do, have the energy they do, write the blogs and raise the kids they do?
And yet, I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone feels a little like this. From the outside, everyone else looks so polished and put together. But we all have our insecurities lurking just behind our whitewashed facades.
Do you ever feel that way? Like you’re a boat being tossed on the open ocean and you need a compass to guide you and an anchor to hold you down? Like everyone else has it all figured out and you’re just making it up as you go along?
If we keep justifying our own existence by our to do list of accomplishments, than we devalue the purpose of life itself. Our value is not in a paycheck, our children, our social media presence, or any number of things we stake our claim to.
Anchor your heart in Christ and what he’s already done on the cross. Trust that He can take your broken pieces of Not Enough and use them for His glory. Instead of getting caught up trying to make a way for yourself, look to the one who has already made a way. Know that He will equip you for what He calls you to, whether that’s raising babies, running a business or anything in between.
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